


The Other Side

by appleapple



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, First Time, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Post-Canon, after the war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 14:41:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15488109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleapple/pseuds/appleapple
Summary: What do you do with the rest of your life? Do you stay on the path that's been chosen for you or do you find the courage to leave it?





	The Other Side

**Author's Note:**

> I don't tag plot spoilers in my stories so this may not be the story you expected!

The ink had hardly dried on the peace treaty when Eren came, pushing through the flaps of the tent and then kneeling just inside. He looked at Levi--hopeful maybe, or at least beseeching. Levi gazed back, outwardly calm but feeling uneasy. His heart beat fast-- _tat-tat-tat-tat! _\--the way it always did before a fight. He’d been drinking tea and he put the cup down on the table--he had one of the better accommodations out here, surrounded by Hanji’s war machines and the other officers’ tents.__

____

____

____

__Neither of them spoke._ _

Then Eren rushed forward, almost leaped, and he was kissing him. Levi parted his lips and let him in. The sweetness of it was unbearable--Eren’s mouth warm, wet, soft and open, his tongue rubbing against Levi's and curling against the inside of his teeth. There was no place for him except to sit on Levi’s lap and so he did, straddling him until he knocked the little camp chair over and they fell to the ground. 

It was a long time since they’d done this; not since before. Before Eren had left. Since coming back he hadn't dared, and Levi...he had never been encouraging, but now he was totally forbidding.

Eren pushed the chair out of the way--it landed with a clatter that Levi vaguely hoped wouldn’t send someone running to investigate--and tried to climb on top of Levi. He pushed him off. He reached for the hem of Levi’s shirt and Levi pushed his hands away. He tried to kiss Levi’s neck and Levi stopped him. 

Eren rolled to his back, and now they were lying side by side, separated by two inches. It might as well have been a thousand miles.

Eren was panting; short harsh gasps that reminded Levi of all the times he’d ever been angry, hurt, suffering, but he lay there and did not speak.

__“It’s over now,” Eren said finally, choking the words out around his rage or frustration. “I thought…”_ _

__Levi stared at the roof of the tent, unable to reply._ _

__Eren lay beside him a moment longer, and then he sat up quickly. His movements were quick and angry, like an offended cat._ _

__“Eren,” Levi said in a rough voice, before he could go. “It’s not that.”_ _

__“Then what--”_ _

__He took one of Eren’s hands, and did not allow himself to show his reluctance. He brought it close to his body. He brought Eren’s hand--flat, open, eager, waiting--to his belly. Then lower._ _

__His stomach lurched. He was coldly, deeply afraid but he stayed still as Eren touched him for the first time, fingers carefully splayed out. He ran his hand eagerly over Levi, and Levi felt sick, wholly unable to enjoy it. He had never let Eren touch him this way. He had never let anyone. This would be the first and last time._ _

Eren’s expression had changed from excitement to puzzlement. “What--” he said.

__It would have been funny under other circumstances._ _

__“What--but you--”_ _

__He ran his fingers up and down again, between Levi’s thighs. As if trying to solve a puzzle. He stared at the beige canvas of the ceiling. He wanted nothing more than to push Eren away, but he didn’t._ _

__“You’re…” Eren said, and his voice held the strangest combination of incredulity and belief. His thumb was pressed into the fabric of Levi’s pants, the indent of his flesh. No cock, no balls. The same slit of soft skin he’d been born with. Eren’s thumb moved a little--it was right over the head of his clitoris, pressing, the lightest touch imaginable._ _

Levi swallowed. This wasn’t a moment he’d imagined. It was one he’d hoped to avoid, one he’d dreaded even thinking about. If he had, he would have imagined it over by _now_. Instead Eren was still sitting here, hand as firmly in place as if it had been glued to him.

__“You--” Eren tried again, and Levi braced himself for the angry or stupid thing he would say, and Eren drew his thumb down half an inch and Levi’s lips softly parted--in spite of himself--and Eren said in a low voice of revelation, “This is you?”_ _

__“...Yes,” Levi managed to say._ _

__“But--are you--is this--” and then he did take his hand away, and Levi felt a curious sense of loss. He sat up and grabbed Levi by the shoulders, pulled him up too, and Levi let him. Eren put his hands on either side of his face. They were smooth and soft; Eren had no scars on his body, no calluses or blemishes._ _

__“Who are you?” he asked wonderingly. It wasn’t accusatory. He still sounded eager, puzzled, confused._ _

__“I’m the same person I’ve always been,” Levi said, with a little cough as he tried to clear his throat. “Nothing’s changed.”_ _

“You’re still…” he hesitated, his thumb tracing Levi’s jaw. Levi gave a little nod. _You can say it...whatever it is._ “Captain Levi,” Eren said, “Not...not Captain Liesel, in disguise…” 

__He did laugh then, startled into it. “No,” he said. “Still Levi. I don’t...I don’t think about it much. I don’t even remember, most of the time.”_ _

__“You never bathed with us,” Eren realized. “We all just thought you were fussy…”_ _

__“I am fussy.”_ _

__“Does anybody else know?”_ _

__“Who would know? Who would have a reason to?”_ _

__“I don’t know! Hanji, maybe…”_ _

__Levi gave him a look of utter revulsion and Eren laughed, “Not like that, I didn’t mean like that! I just meant...maybe you’d confide in someone…”_ _

__“No...no. It was never a confidence. Just an inconvenience.” Eren gave him a sorrowful glance that he chose to ignore. He found himself remembering things he’d long since put away...he’d been in a dress when Kenny had found him. After his mother had died. What had he been before then? He couldn’t remember; surely it hadn’t mattered. He’d played so rarely with other children that they were nearly as foreign to him as wild beasts would have been._ _

__Had Kenny assumed he was a boy, or a girl? Had Kenny cared? There had been a day when Kenny had brought him boy’s clothes, and he’d put them on, and that was that. They’d never discussed it. It hadn’t bothered him anyway. People had assumed he was a boy, and it was safer to be a boy--a little safer, anyway. So he had been a boy. Had he minded? Had he been relieved? He couldn’t even remember. It was a lifetime ago._ _

He had told Eren the truth; he _didn’t_ think about it, most of the time. His body had made that easier than it might have been. He had gone through puberty late--not unusual for someone who’d nearly starved to death in childhood. He had been almost eighteen before he’d bled for the first time. _That_ had been a disappointment. It had taken so long that he’d begun to think he’d escaped it entirely. At least he’d never grown breasts; that had been a relief, though it was not quite compensation for never having grown any taller. 

__“So--” Eren said, interrupting his thoughts, “do you still want to?”_ _

__Levi looked at him, startled. That hadn’t been...that hadn’t been the response he had expected. “Do you?” he said, trying not to hesitate over the words._ _

__In answer Eren leaned forward and kissed him, full of his usual eagerness. What was different was the way he pushed Levi down, plastering their bodies together for the first time. He wasn’t shy at all. He was hard, his cock straining against his pants, and as Levi felt it for the first time his face grew hot in the dim light of the lamp. He pressed his hardness right into Levi, flush against the inner curve of his body._ _

__He was like granite, flesh made granite, and Levi cried out. It was deliciously good, he had never imagined anything could be so good. He was as stunned by it as Eren had been by his own revelation._ _

__Eren stopped kissing him long enough to gasp, “Too much?”_ _

“No,” Levi said, but when Eren turned his head back to kiss again he stopped him. Eren rested his cheek against Levi’s instead. Then he thrust a little bit, rough and unpracticed. They were separated by layers of clothing, and it did not matter at all. He did it again, and Levi felt that lovely, magical, delicious feeling seeping into his bones. His legs were wrapped around the outside of Eren’s, and he suddenly felt that he wanted Eren’s cock inside of him, very badly. Desire had seized him and grabbed him, would hold him pinned down while Eren did what he wanted. He was flushed and shocked and astonished. Eren had been sneaking kisses from him for years, sometimes managing to browbeat him into an all-night make-out session. Though they’d never gone this far; clothes had stayed on, hands had not wandered. Even then it had been good. It had always made him want more. It had always made him feel guilty for not giving Eren an explanation for why they couldn’t, a guilt which had doubled when Eren had gone, and made him wonder if he _had_ , if he’d somehow given in--impossible though that was--Eren might have stayed.

__But this--Eren was back to kissing him, with exquisite care--this was not something he could have imagined. Only experience could give you this. Desire pooled at the core of his body, spreading out in endless concentric circles. It was almost totally alien. He had never been intimate with another person, and had rarely touched himself. When he had it hadn’t felt like this. For the first time in his life he did not regret the body he had been born with. Because it could do this, because it could make him feel this, and he had had no idea._ _

Eren was grinding against him with no finesse, sending shockwaves of pleasure right through him. It felt so _strange_. Eren’s cock against him, like something alive. Hard, somehow both harder and softer than he had expected. _What would it feel like inside of him?_

__

__“I thought they were exaggerating,” he said. He was gasping for air. He pulled away to yank his shirt over his head, and he let it fall on the ground nearby._ _

__“What?” Eren said, instantly moving to kiss the flat planes of his chest._ _

__“Sex,” Levi said. “I thought they were exaggerating. Like drinking.”_ _

__Eren laughed. “Other people do get drunk,” he said. “Just not you.”_ _

__“Well I thought it was like that. Sex was for other people too.”_ _

__Eren swallowed, and looked at him then. His eyes were very dark. “I’m glad it’s not,” he said quietly._ _

__“Yes,” Levi said, and he undid the top button on Eren’s pants and pushed them off of his hips._ _

__Eren groaned. Levi had at least seen this before. Versions of it, anyway, unavoidable in military life. Still, it was different so close. He held it in both of his hands--hard, satiny, and there was a drop of clear fluid at the top that he rubbed into the head, making Eren moan._ _

__“Are you sure?” he asked Levi in a hoarse whisper._ _

“Isn’t this what you came here for?” Levi replied, and he heard Eren swallow. Watched his cock twitch. He knew what Eren wanted to say. _That was before,_ and he smiled. 

__Eren yanked at his own shirt--then, hesitantly, reverently, he touched Levi. He pushed and pulled at Levi’s pants until they were both naked, skin to skin. Then he lay there, shivering against him._ _

__“Scared?” Levi asked, running a hand through his hair._ _

__Eren gave a guilty, rueful laugh. “I’ve never--never--”_ _

__“Neither have I.”_ _

__Levi took his hand and brought it down low--just as he had before. Only this time there was no layer of clothes in between them._ _

__Eren pushed his fingers into Levi, and Levi relaxed all at once, utterly complete in bliss._ _

He heard Eren say, “Oh my god.” There had been no resistance at all when he’d slid his fingers in. Levi was so wet he could feel it dripping onto the blankets underneath them. Eren was shaking, exploring him with his fingers, touching every ridge and fold and secret place. But Levi was still. He pulled his knees up and apart--he wanted to, _needed_ to, somehow--but otherwise he felt a still radiance filling him. 

Eren kept touching him, moaning as though _he_ was the one receiving pleasure. He never went roughly or too quick, and slowly Levi found himself moving his hips, just little nudges at first, and then more and more until he was pushing back onto Eren’s hand every time he pushed his fingers inside him. He was moaning himself now. Eren was gasping--he kept moving his body, rearranging his knees and his legs as if he were sitting on hot coals--until finally Levi pulled him up and wrapped a hand around his cock. 

__Eren moaned, long and loud, loud enough that someone close by could have easily heard. He didn’t care. It felt strange to hold Eren in his hand, to feel the odd protrusion of flesh here, instead of smoothness. But he would think about that later. He pulled the head of Eren’s cock up against the soft wet flesh of his body. Eren gave a little whimper, and it made the back of his neck tingle._ _

He pushed Eren in, and Eren cried out again, louder still. “Oh my god,” he said, when they were fully joined, “oh god, you feel _amazing--”_

It _did._ It _was_. Eren was big; he stretched him in a way that was painful and good, and every time he thrust in Levi could feel it--that little stretch as Eren took from him, made him fit around his cock, made space for himself. It _was_ amazing. Eren bent his head to kiss Levi’s flat chest; he closed his mouth around one of Levi’s nipples, and Levi gave a little sigh of satisfaction. 

He kept thrusting. If he’d been granite before he was iron now, his body growing rigid and tense, crying out against Levi’s neck as he drew close to orgasm. Levi put his hand in between their bodies and, _oh_ he _was_ wet, his fingers gliding so easily over his vulva, rubbing against Eren’s cock, where he was thrusting into him. He closed his eyes. He let his fingers slide up, rubbing the swollen blossom of his clitoris. His mouth parted as he gasped, and his body tensed like a bow. He kept touching there, strumming in counterpoint to Eren's long strokes. His body was tightening around Eren, squeezing him. 

__“Oh my god, oh my god,” Eren babbled, “I have to--”_ _

__He could feel Eren wanting to pull out. Their legs were tangled together. Levi’s eyes were closed. He had let his body lead him here; his body wasn’t done with Eren yet._ _

__“No,” he said, pushing his free hand into the small of Eren’s back._ _

__Eren thrust forward rapidly, three or four times, and Levi rubbed his clitoris until he came; the pleasure suddenly rising sharply, and he gave his own little moan as wave after wave overtook him, all his muscles tight and squeezing Eren involuntarily._ _

__Eren tried again to pull out, and Levi drew him close, “Come inside me,” he said and it took only that. Eren came explosively, almost sobbing, delirious as he emptied himself into Levi._ _

__They drowsed after--not long, twenty minutes, half an hour--and then Eren started awake and looked at him, slightly horrified._ _

__“Sorry,” he said. “Sorry, I--”_ _

“It will be all right,” Levi answered calmly. He had no idea if that was true, but he had no idea at all what happened now. He reached for his shirt. Hanji would want him soon, for celebratory drinks, dinner, the endless discussions of strategy; and he felt suddenly… _tired_. He didn’t want it--he wanted to stay here, and snuggle Eren, and possibly go another round, or six--his body gave an appreciative little quiver at this thought--but he couldn’t, neither one of them could. That was somehow infuriating; like they were nothing more than cogs in one of Hanji’s infernal contraptions. 

__That was how it had always been, that was the world, but he felt an unaccustomed anger. Eren was watching him dress--looking uneasy--not convinced._ _

__They had sailed off the edge of the world. That was what it was. No one knew what happened after the war, after the fighting, after the Titans, but…_ _

But it couldn’t be the same as before. It _couldn’t_ be. That was unacceptable.

__He was fully dressed now, except for his boots, and he ducked down to grab Eren and kiss him thoroughly. Eren kissed him back, wrapped his naked arms around his shoulders._ _

__“I have to go find Hanji,” Levi said, and kissed him again. “We’ll see each other at dinner--”_ _

__“No, stay.”_ _

__“You know I can’t. We’ll slip out early, no one will notice.”_ _

__Eren gave him a slow, stupid grin that he found himself unable to resist; he smiled back. He touched the side of Eren’s face. “You look young when you smile like that.”_ _

__“I am young.”_ _

__“Not as young as you were. Not invulnerable anymore, either.”_ _

__He stood up. Eren was still gazing at him wistfully, but he turned away to put his boots on._ _

__

__

__

__

__There were all the usual things to take care of, and hundreds of new ones. The whole world banging down their door, everyone wanting formal presentations with Historia, or if not her then one of her surrogates. They traveled back and forth, from Paradis to Marley almost half a dozen times in the weeks that followed--Hanji had made improvements in the airships, they were getting faster and lighter all the time._ _

__It was exhausting. It was more exhausting than fighting the fucking war had been, which seemed impossible, and yet here they were._ _

__They were back in Mitras when it happened though, just another slow tedious afternoon of meetings with foreign dignitaries to grind through. Later he’d be relieved about that--at least he was in known territory, at least he had his own rooms to retreat to. At the time he was only shocked and angry, no--_ _

__Furious._ _

__He stared at the blood on the paper tissue. It was like the whole world crashing down on him all over again, and he did something he hadn’t done since Erwin had died--he leaned forward and wept. It was over in seconds--a passing gale--and then he wiped himself clean and threw the paper away without looking at it. He wadded up some more and walked back to the long hall where he had left Hanji._ _

__“I have to go do something,” he told her._ _

__“Huh? What? Now?” They’d been on their way to lunch, when he’d left her to go to the lavatory._ _

__He nodded seriously. “My hemorrhoids are acting up again.”_ _

__She snorted. “Oh, fine. Don’t try to sneak out on the afternoon meeting though. I need you.”_ _

__She left him there and he went back to his own rooms. In a drawer he found an appointment book (a necessary evil these days), and he counted back the days, the meetings, the trips back and forth to Marley, until he got to a day that he’d circled. The day of the treaty; the day Eren had come to him._ _

Eren had been fastidious ever since. He always pulled out during sex-- _early_ \--which Levi hated. So he’d had to pin all his hopes on that one-- 

_I wasn’t._

_Oh, no?_ his sarcastic inner voice responded. 

__He put the book away, closed his eyes painfully. He hadn’t been thinking about this. He hadn’t been thinking about any of this. It was too new--there wasn’t time--he had a dozen excuses for why he hadn’t let himself think about the faint hope in the back of his mind._ _

__It wasn’t as though he and Eren had talked about it. It wasn’t as though they’d talked about anything. Eren had just assumed--insisted--_ _

__He was oblivious to Levi’s growing resentment._ _

_So what are you going to do?_ he asked himself. _Talk about it? Tell him?_

No, of course not. He wasn’t some young bride with her pick of suitors. It was Eren or nothing, and that was even a little unfair because he _wanted _Eren, he just...__

____

____

____He wanted a child, and he had never thought it would be possible. He had put it aside in that box of dead hopes, where he kept the memory of every other person he loved and had lost. In this new world, without war, without Titans, where one person knew his secret, he’d let himself have a momentary glimpse of what might be possible, now that they’d fallen off the edge of the world._ _ _ _

____But it turned out he’d been right back in the tent; the new world was just like the old one. Dressed in different rags, maybe; brightly colored, expensive rags. But no freedom--just a different boot on your neck. Golden handcuffs, instead of iron, but handcuffs just the same._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____ _ _

__

__

____He found Levi sitting on the edge of a trunk in the room they shared that night. He closed the door and toed his boots off._ _ _ _

“Hey,” he said. “Are you all right? Hanji said…” he trailed off. Levi was just sitting, but he swallowed. He was certain suddenly--coldly fearful--that Levi was going to tell him they were through. Levi didn’t say anything at all and his heart sank further; _no,_ he thought, _no, what did I do…_

____He was ready to beg, to plead, to do whatever it took when Levi looked up at him and smiled. A pathetic smile, one that didn’t even come close to reaching his eyes, but it was enough to make Eren edge forward. Instead of putting his arms around Levi he knelt down in front of him and put his head in his lap. He felt Levi’s surprise--disarmed, thank god--and then his arms settle around him._ _ _ _

He didn’t say anything at first. _Are you okay?_ when he knew Levi wasn’t; that was out, and he kept his eyes closed while he thought and Levi petted his hair. 

____“Is it something I did?” he asked at last, and again he felt a little tremor of surprise run through him._ _ _ _

____“No,” Levi said, and he was almost convincing. “I’m just...mad that the world is the way it is, I guess…”_ _ _ _

____“I’m president,” Eren said, muffled, and Levi looked down at him bewildered._ _ _ _

____“What?”_ _ _ _

____“I said I’m president,” Eren said, opening his eyes to look up at him. “Of that club,” he clarified._ _ _ _

____Levi scoffed. “You’re an idiot.”_ _ _ _

____“That too,” he sat up and pulled his shirt off, and the smile Levi gave him then was a little warmer, a little more genuine. “So, you can be treasurer or something, but--”_ _ _ _

____“I’ve been mad at the world since before you were born,” Levi cut him off, and Eren laughed._ _ _ _

“You think just because you have a few years on me you can match my _apocalyptic_ rage at the world--” he stopped talking, squealed and tried to squirm away when Levi put his fingers on his bare ribcage and stroked, delicately ticklish. 

____He wriggled away until he was lying back on the bed, and then it was easy for Levi to straddle his waist and pin him there--which had in fact been his plan all along._ _ _ _

____Softer and more gently, he said, “You want to run away? We can run away.” He stroked his fingers up and down Levi’s arm._ _ _ _

____“Just leave? Everything?” But Levi didn’t sound like he was seriously considering the idea._ _ _ _

____“If--” ‘If it’s what you want,’ he’d been about to say, but Levi kissed him, effectively cutting him off and Eren twined himself into him and let it go. They were better at talking with their bodies anyway._ _ _ _

____ _ _

__

__

____ _ _

____If Eren had noticed the blood he hadn’t remarked upon it, but Levi had tried to surreptitiously watch him anyway. Would he be relieved? He hadn’t gotten an answer. Eren had barely acknowledged the difference between them since he’d found out. Out loud, anyway. Physically--that was another matter._ _ _ _

____He went to the bathroom on his own and cleaned up and bound himself with cotton rags and dressed. When he came back to the bed and lay down Eren put his arms around him._ _ _ _

____“Did you eat?”_ _ _ _

____“I’m not hungry.”_ _ _ _

____“If I went and brought back food for us, would you eat it?”_ _ _ _

____He smiled reluctantly. “I guess if you did, it would be rude of me not to.”_ _ _ _

____Eren started to get up, but Levi held him in place._ _ _ _

____“Do you--” he cleared his throat. “Do you mind?”_ _ _ _

____“Mind?” Eren said, bewildered._ _ _ _

____“About me.”_ _ _ _

____Eren still looked confused, and he wasn’t a good enough actor to be faking._ _ _ _

“Being the way I am,” Levi said. It’s the first time he’s referenced it since the _first_ time. Eren’s been...more than discrete. More than diplomatic. He hasn’t treated Levi any differently. Which had been an intense relief--he would have ended things if Eren had tried, but he would have regretted it. What he didn’t know was whether it had been easy for Eren; surely not. 

____Eren’s expression softened when he realized, “Oh,” he said. “No. Of course not.”_ _ _ _

____“But...it wasn’t what you were expecting.”_ _ _ _

He gave a little rueful laugh. “No,” he said shaking his head. “I didn’t have any idea. But it wasn’t--” he hesitated, but Levi nodded. “Well, it was...it _was_ surprising. But no, it didn’t matter. If you’d really been--I mean, if you’d…” 

____“What?”_ _ _ _

“If you _had_ been a woman in disguise all these years,” Eren said. “That would have been hard. Because I thought I knew you, and it would have been…” 

____“A betrayal.”_ _ _ _

Eren gave a little helpless nod: _just so._ “But this...it was like you said to me the first time. You’re the same person you’ve always been. The same person I’ve always known. I never knew what you had down there anyway, it could have been ten goldfish--” 

____Levi snorted._ _ _ _

____“--which would have been harder to work with, so--” he rolled away easily when Levi took a lazy swipe at him. “So no. I don’t mind. I don’t care. Do you?”_ _ _ _

____Levi considered. Oddly enough, it wasn’t something he’d ever asked himself. “I don’t know,” he said. “I mean...I never had dick envy, you know--”_ _ _ _

____Eren started to laugh helplessly._ _ _ _

____“I always just thought the whole thing was sort of stupid. Compared to starving to death or getting eaten by Titans, I mean who fucking cares whether you pee sitting down or standing up--and it wasn’t like I was ever looking to go to bed with anybody.”_ _ _ _

____“Because you were afraid,” Eren said softly. It wasn’t something he would have dared to say a month ago, but after a moment Levi gave a stiff little nod._ _ _ _

____“Afraid of being treated differently,” he said. “Yes. That would have been--”_ _ _ _

____Eren grabbed him and kissed him ferociously, covering his face with kisses._ _ _ _

____“Ugh, stop it, you’re being disgusting--”_ _ _ _

____“Thank you,” Eren said, ignoring him, kissing every square inch he could._ _ _ _

____“For what?”_ _ _ _

____“For telling me the truth instead of throwing me out,” Eren said seriously, and Levi went still. “I know that was what you wanted to do. I knew you were scared that night, but not why. And--_ _ _ _

____“Ugh--”_ _ _ _

____“No, listen,” Eren said. “I won’t say it again, if you don’t want me to, but just listen now. This one time. I love you. I want to make you happy. You had so much courage that night--you didn’t even know if I was just coming to you to get laid, and you could have thrown me out but you didn’t. You trusted me instead. Thank you.”_ _ _ _

It hurt, hearing that; counterpoint to his own thoughts earlier. Eren praising him for his honesty when he’s been darkly resentful of not getting what he wants. _What if I told you the other thing? The other thing I wanted?_

____Eren doesn’t want children. He has no reason to believe that Levi does. This is another secret desire, like so many things denied. There’s no reason to spoil this beautiful thing--because it is beautiful. Because Eren would say no, and leave, or say yes, and be unhappy._ _ _ _

____He can’t want this, not how Levi does. Levi can remember his shocked horror that first time, his infuriating care all the other times. With their bodies they’ve been honest. With their bodies they can talk freely, they can ask for things they’d never dare speak out loud._ _ _ _

_And you were blatantly honest that first time, weren’t you._

____Had he been asking, these last few weeks, asking without knowing? And had Eren been telling him no? That hurt too much to think about, so he just nodded and buried his head in Eren’s hair._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____ _ _

__

__

____The weeks passed more slowly for Eren than they did for any of his friends. He didn’t have much to do. No one wanted as emissary the man who had started the war; Marley still wanted him dead. It would have been unwise for him to be seen publicly with the others--that was the word they had used, ‘unwise’._ _ _ _

_I won that fucking war for you,_ part of him wanted to snarl sometimes. But that was before. Before he’d given up his powers. Before they’d agreed to give up the Titans, and to put their faith in a new world. Science and technology instead of magic… 

He didn’t know who he was now. He’d been the most important man in the world, and now he was just another common ex-soldier. Still had an anger problem, still had a chip on his shoulder. Still carrying the guilt of what he’d done, still knowing that in spite of everything that had happened after he wasn’t _quite_ forgiven, and never would be… 

____But in spite of all that he was also the luckiest man in the world; he was still alive, and Levi slept in his bed every night._ _ _ _

____That should have been enough, and yet...yet it wasn’t. He couldn’t talk about with anybody else. Even Levi._ _ _ _

Levi had his own shadows, his own secrets. When Eren got too close he’d edge away--change the subject, turn his head. Like he thought Eren wouldn’t notice. If that was the best he was going to get, fine; it was already more than he deserved. But it didn’t stop him _wanting_ more, wanting--what? Something else. Something he couldn’t articulate, and probably wasn’t going to find out. 

____He hadn’t been kidding the few times he’d joked to Levi about running away. He’d been feeling Levi out. But Levi never took him seriously; Levi had responsibilities. He was the one who could leave now, he realized painfully. There wasn’t a place for him anymore. No one really wanted him here, except for Levi._ _ _ _

____And even that..he was beginning to think that even that was coming to an end. The nights were getting longer and colder, and he had caught Levi looking at him a few times...in sort of an ‘Are you still here?’ kind of way that always made him swallow hard and look down and pretend he hadn’t seen._ _ _ _

He had tried asking Levi in every roundabout way he knew what was bothering him, but Levi was locked up tight. Which more than likely meant it _was_ about him. Maybe he was having the same thoughts Eren was. What exactly do you do with a washed up former-weapon-slash-war-criminal?

__

__

____But then there were other times, that--_ _ _ _

____One night he’d gone out with Armin and Mikasa and Jean and Connie--the first time they’d all been alone together in--well, a long time. It had been stilted at first. They’d gone to a pub near the palace, but they’d relaxed a little into something like their old dynamic. It had been a good evening, even if none of them had been able to forget the ones they were missing._ _ _ _

Except as they were leaving, someone had said something--some drunk barfly (“or maybe not,” Hanji had said later, coolly after debriefing them all, “Marley still wants Eren dead. You can’t treat it as a common occurrence when it might have been an assassination attempt.”)--had made some comment, about the war, about them, about Mikasa--he could hardly remember afterwards because he’d been so stupidly _gleeful_ yes, here was a right and proper outlet for his rage-- 

____Right up until the fucker had stabbed him. He’d gotten away in the commotion and the screaming, and Mikasa and Jean had carried him bloody back to the castle while Armin had run ahead to warn them._ _ _ _

____He could only remember little glimpses as the doctor had sewn him up, but he could remember Levi yelling--actually yelling--at Mikasa, “He’s not invulnerable anymore! You can’t let him start barfights like he’s still seventeen!”_ _ _ _

Which--okay, not the most flattering depiction of him ever, and really not fair to Mikasa, but at least it showed Levi _cared._ He wasn’t valuable anymore, he wasn’t strategic, he was just some loser that probably _was_ worth more dead than alive these days. And Levi still cared. 

____Except Levi had been short with him lately--short with everybody though, so at least he was in good company. He was tired and he’d come down with some early winter flu. He’d always been a poor sleeper, but now he was sleeping every chance he got. When Eren got back to their room at night he was almost always in bed already, and most of the time when Eren came to wake him he wouldn’t even want to go to dinner._ _ _ _

____So on the morning Levi told him, “I have to talk to you,” and they went up to one of the high castle gardens--it was still strange, to see the city and the world stretching out beyond without walls--he was braced for anything._ _ _ _

____When they were alone Eren said--without preamble, because he’d been losing his fucking mind for the last fifteen minutes and doing his best not to show it-- “What is it?”_ _ _ _

____Levi told him._ _ _ _

____For a moment he didn’t understand. It wasn’t the thing he had expected and so the words Levi spoke barely even registered as words. “What--” he said, and then, “But I--” he gave Levi a look of horror and despair and guilt._ _ _ _

____“Apparently it’s not fool proof,” Levi said. He didn’t sound as upset as Eren would have expected. Eren swallowed._ _ _ _

____“What are you--what do you want to do?” he asked. There were ways you could--he didn’t want to think about it, he just waited for whatever Levi would say next._ _ _ _

____“I’m going away,” Levi said. “I’m leaving all this. I’m going to have a different life somewhere else.”_ _ _ _

“Oh my god,” Eren said, “you’re _happy.”_

____With wounded dignity Levi said--defensively-- “I wasn’t hiding it. I just found out.”_ _ _ _

“You idiot,” Eren said, grabbing him and squeezing, “you fucking idiot. Why didn’t you just tell me? I would have given you _as many as you wanted.”_ He put just enough filth into his voice to make his meaning totally clear, and Levi laughed in a way that Eren had never heard before, embarrassed and totally charming. 

____He was thinking rapidly._ _ _ _

____“It might only be this one,” Levi said quietly. Answering something directly for once in his damn life. “I’m old.”_ _ _ _

____Eren snorted. “If you wanted this why didn’t you just tell me? Or--did you want it--”_ _ _ _

“I didn’t think _you_ did,” Levi said wiggling lose. “You were always so...adamant, after the first time.” 

____Eren sighed. “Because I thought you--! And anyway, it would have been too soon…” But he hadn’t brought it up again, had he, hadn’t ever tried to ask Levi what he wanted. “It wasn’t...it wasn’t really something I ever thought about.”_ _ _ _

____“I know.”_ _ _ _

____“You should have told me, if it was important to you.”_ _ _ _

____“Maybe.”_ _ _ _

____“So why--”_ _ _ _

____“Because I didn’t want to lose you.”_ _ _ _

Eren snorted. “Good luck getting rid of me, is more like it.” He took Levi’s hand and kissed it, and said, “We can have whatever kind of life you want. We can leave right now. I don’t care what we do or where we go. But _let’s go._ This is…” he finally said it out loud. “This has been over for a while. There’s nothing left for us here. Nothing new will ever be written about us that hasn’t already.” 

____Levi nodded. “I know,” he said, and it was a fantastic relief to hear out loud, to know he wasn’t the only one._ _ _ _

____He cradled Levi’s face in the palm of his hand, and kissed him gentle and slow. “You really want this,” he said, bald statement of fact. Levi gave him a slow inscrutable look, then nodded._ _ _ _

____“I wish you had told me,” he said. “Instead of just being mad at me all fall…”_ _ _ _

____“It was more than that. I…” this part was hard. He was plainspoken; being candid was something else. “I couldn’t leave them without a good reason. Even if I wanted to.”_ _ _ _

____Eren shook his head. “You deserve something better. You don’t need an excuse to want something else.” Then, softly, unable to keep a little humor out of his voice he said, “I’m glad I could give it to you. Even if it was by accident.”_ _ _ _

____Levi smirked and pushed him away._ _ _ _

He turned and faced away, looking out. _Someplace out there is a place we can go,_ Eren thought, and it was a strange thought but not an unwelcome one. 

____“What do you think?” Eren said, coming up behind him, putting his arms around him. “Steal an airship? Leave before lunch?”_ _ _ _

____Levi was smiling. “Better to wait until after dark,” he said. “Pack. Write our goodbye letters.”_ _ _ _

Eren released him. “All right,” he said, and they held hands as they walked back. He fought the impulse to say something, some incredulous, _Are we really doing this? Can we just walk away?_ He didn’t want to spook Levi, didn’t want to say anything to dissuade him. But he wondered if it would be so easy. 

____But twelve hours later, sitting next to Levi in the front of the ship they’d taken he felt a thrill grip him. He took Levi’s hand, and Levi turned and gave him a brief smile._ _ _ _

____“Did you think we’d be doing this? All those years ago?”_ _ _ _

____He laughed. “I didn’t think we’d still be alive to do anything.”_ _ _ _

____“No. Me neither I guess. It feels pretty good.”_ _ _ _

____“You have a way with words.”_ _ _ _

____“I know. My tongue is one of my greatest gifts.”_ _ _ _

____Levi smiled and shook his head. Eren smiled back and took it as a victory. They were still flying over Paradis--it would be a little while before they hit the ocean, and then they’d have to decide which direction to go, where to stop to take on fuel, maybe even supplies if they kept going long enough. Eren had the maps spread out between them, one of them on his lap so he could tick landmarks as they passed to keep them on course._ _ _ _

____He felt like they’d slipped out of the hangman’s noose. And then--feeling like he needed to talk, he said, “I’m going to miss them, but...I’m glad we’re going. Nothing’s been the same since I came back. I don’t think they’ll ever forgive me.” He glanced over at Levi. “I didn’t think you would.”_ _ _ _

____“Who says I have?”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t know. You don’t seem to hate me.”_ _ _ _

____Levi smiled faintly. “You can love and hate someone at the same time,” he said._ _ _ _

____“You do hate me then?”_ _ _ _

____He shrugged, a slow roll of his shoulders. “Maybe I wanted to. I loved you before, and…” he paused, for a long enough time that Eren had made two ticks on the map before he continued. “When you came back you were different. I looked at you and I saw a stranger, but I saw the person I knew before. It’s hard to love someone, and want to hate them. Or hate someone, and want to love them. I’m not sure. There are some things you can’t reconcile. Maybe I should have been angry at you, for longer, but…”_ _ _ _

____“But?” Eren asked softly. It’s rare for Levi to be so talkative, and they’ve never really talked about this. If it never happens again he wants Levi to finish what he has to say._ _ _ _

____“Love is a shortcut,” Levi said at last, and Eren felt a little flutter in his chest. He knew what Levi meant._ _ _ _

____“I don’t deserve it.”_ _ _ _

____“You don’t get what you deserve,” Levi said mildly. “You get what you get. Hasn’t life taught you that yet?”_ _ _ _

____“Then I will endeavor to deserve it. Two points north by northwest.”_ _ _ _

____Levi changed course slightly. They had decided to fly away from Marley. It had seemed prudent._ _ _ _

____He wanted to ask Levi more questions, but like a sudden shift in wind he sensed Levi wanted quiet, time to think. He put a hand on Levi’s knee instead. They were following a river now, and he could ease up on navigating._ _ _ _

He could imagine some kind of life--vague, like something in his peripheral vision. What would it be like? Not a city, surely, but somewhere in the woods? A village? Near the ocean? Chopping wood, fetching water, and sometime--not very long from now, seven months or so if Levi had guessed right: a new person. Thinking about it made him feel feverish, and cast the world in a glaze of unreality. No. He glanced as slyly as he could at Levi. How could it be? A paradox. A stranger: half him, half Levi. Already growing. Already _here_ he realized with a start. This wasn’t something hypothetical; when they told this story someday, about their exodus, they’d be telling it to the person who was already here with them _now_. 

____“I’m glad we’re together,” he said. “I’m glad I’m with you.” For the first time he wasn’t speaking only to Levi._ _ _ _

____They were close to the ocean, and Eren could smell the familiar tang of it long before they saw it, though he had known it was coming up on the map for some time. They were lucky the moon was nearly full; he’d be able to see a few small islands--rocky outcrops really--that would keep them on course. He glanced up at the stars, and thought about looking back at Paradis but he didn’t. Once he and everyone he’d known had believed that they inhabited the entire world. He had been a young man before he’d discovered what had seemed like a sanctuary was nothing but a prison. Whatever came next--and here, at last he felt the sweet promise of freedom, of finally being allowed to choose--the other side of his life, suddenly seemed like the only story that mattered._ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is loved!


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